The Problem Is Me
I reached the end of my rope the other day. Do you ever have days, or even weeks, when you are past your limit and living on your reserve tank? When you’ve handled as much as you can take, and then some? Well, I went past my reserve and ended up in a meltdown. I wasn’t blaming anyone or anything in particular, just myself.
Have you heard of the saying “you teach people how to treat you?” No one can make you do or act a certain way unless you allow it. I have allowed and allowed some people to continually take advantage of my kindness. Or rather, my desire to avoid conflict.
When I was a child, once in a while my mom would make “the” call to my dad at work, telling him that he needed to come home and straighten out the kids. Obviously, she had tried to discipline us with the wooden spoon first, to no avail. Then she would say “wait till your dad gets home.” Of course, I would be the one terrified, even if it didn’t involve me. The minute my dad came home, I would run and hide under the bed. I was smart enough to know that when he got mad, everyone around him would be disciplined.
I remember seeing a lot of dust bunnies in my day, but I escaped the anger of my father. He was a good and kind man but the stress of the day and my mother’s phone call would get to him. If one of my brothers started laughing while the other was getting yelled at, they got in trouble too.
Well last week, my son asked to borrow money for cigarettes. Now, I had been teaching him to learn how to budget his money, but it being a Sunday, he couldn’t go to the bank for a withdrawal. He had enough gas, but not the $7 for cigarettes. He was going to go to the bank Saturday but didn’t make it because he was helping a friend. I just BLEW. I threw a 20 at him, which was all the money I had, and started crying. You see, I had betrayed myself at that moment. Not only did I give him money, which he was going to pay back, but for cigarettes! I told my kids that I would never give them money for something that would harm them.
I didn’t have the strength to argue about it. So I caved. I went against my own beliefs. I was angry that he asked, and even angrier that I gave. I realized at that moment that I was still that little girl hiding under the bed to avoid conflict. After all these years of trying to change and be strong, I failed and failed miserably. How do you live with yourself after that? Can people really change, or are we the same people we were as a child?
I don’t really know the answer to that. Some people don’t mind arguing, and actually embrace the drama that goes with it. I’m not that person, nor will I ever be. I came into the world a pleaser. I don’t like standing up for myself, and when I do, it takes every ounce of strength that I have. And the worst part is, when I do and people still don’t change, I allow their behavior to continue. Why don’t I see myself as worthy? Why is it so hard to stand up for what I want?
“You are your own worst enemy,” as they say. I want to win this battle with myself. To get people to treat me how I want to be treated. I have to learn to accept the things I cannot change, and to change what I can. I can’t change you, but I can change me. I am trying to learn how to stand up for myself.
I hope this helps you to value yourself enough to live within your beliefs.
Wow did that hit home. We must struggle with the same demons. I don’t think no is in my vocabulary except when it comes to me. Most times I either feel invisible or that I don’t matter much you express it so much better thank you for your blog. I can certainly relate.
Oh how many times I have been there! All I can say is “I can do ALL THINGS through CHRIST who gives me STRENGHTH.”
He truly gives us the STRENGHTH and GRACE to do whatever it is He knows we need. We fail, we get back up and believe there are better days ahead.
Bobbi I can certainly identify with everything you said. I guess we are still learning. I love reading your blog!
I believe we can change, or rather be changed. Jesus tells us that it is possible to change. The issue then, is not can we change but, are we willing to be changed. I looked up the word change and wouldn’t you know there were several meanings to choose from. There was one, however, that caught my eye. It said “to give-up one for another”. That made total sense to me. To change or be changed we must be willing to give-up one in order to receive another. Now my ability is to address conflict head-on. As humans we are all given the ability to either fight or take flight. Bobbi, I do not see your ability to take flight any greater or less than mine to fight. I believe Jesus was being LOVE when He turned over the money changers tables in the temple, just as He was being LOVE when He chose to lay down His life for yours/mine. So Bobbi, I would say, don’t allow who you were in the past to determine who you are today. I have seen a Bobbi who has stood and fought strong. I have seen a Bobbi who knows when to turn and walk away. Both Bobbi’s were being LOVE! The Bobbi I know always knows when to move and when to stand still. She fights for LOVE everyday. She fights to LOVE everyday. The Bobbi I know is a fighter by faith. So, put your gloves back on girl, get back in the ring and finish the LOVE fight!