Moods

It’s hard these days to keep myself in a good enough mood. I awaken each day and smile even if I don’t feel like it. Some days are easier than others to stay on level ground with my emotions. It’s really hard though when those around you are upset or just “having a bad day.”

I have an Asperger child who fights depression. The social “game” is just too hard on him. I try to reason him out of some of his moods, but you can’t reason with them as you would any other child. Then I go to work and am around those sick and hurting. It’s hard enough for them to stay positive without those handicaps. Fellow co-workers also have their good and bad days, so all in all, it’s a battle to just keep your head up. I try to listen to motivational speakers, or read some positive message that someone has posted on facebook, or that I have found on pinterest.

I want to be real with people so that they feel they can be real to me. I don’t want to be a phony and pretend everything is OK, because it’s not, and yet I don’t want to be a downer either. Where do you fine the balance in living? I want to meet people where they’re at, yet it’s hard to break down the barriers we all put up.

Some people deny themselves from feeling anything. Some days I am dangerously close to that. Like the rest of you, I have been damaged throughout life by those who have denied me or betrayed me. In my quiet time with the Lord today, He reminded me that He too was denied and betrayed. It HURTS and sometimes we can never get past it.

I know feelings are not facts, but why do I still go home late at night and eat junk food when I am not hungry and it isn’t even good? Now, I am all for edible treats that are amazing. But to just sit and eat a honey bun (you know the kind, they come in a package of 6 or 8 and have no taste at all), leftover popcorn that doesn’t have quite enough salt on it, a couple of caramels, (those I have to admit were pretty good), and a few hard cookies that don’t hit the spot either? What is it that I am feeling or not feeling? Is it too hard to feel these days? Is it because of too much pain and disappointment that we just shove anything down to fill the hole of emptiness?

I thought I had overcome that bad habit of emotional eating, but at times, it still rises its ugly head. When will I be free of this way of self sabotaging? You are supposed to be your own best friend. I need to love Bobbi and allow her to feel. The second greatest commandment says to love your neighbor as yourself. If I can’t love me, then I can’t love you. As simple as that. Why are we so hard on ourselves? What makes loving myself so difficult? I am sure we all wrestle with these same problems. You might drink your problems away, or do drugs, while I eat. It’s all the same, really. I tell you what… I will allow you to be you and you allow me to be me. Don’t try to mold me or shape me into something I am not. And if I need to complain to you about something, hear me, and then encourage me. Don’t deny me my emotions and I won’t deny you yours. After all, we are in this together. Maybe then one day I won’t go home and eat a whole bag of “Cheetos” when I’m not hungry.